Sea Lion, Shakira Not Hurt Worse [Flop Culture]

February 14, 2012

Flop Culture

Shakira “attacked” by Sea Lion, still, unlike Whitney Houston, not dead.

The world does some crazy things. I’m reading Jeffrey Eegenides’ novel Middlesex (Picador) right now, a triumphant behemoth of contemporary literary genius. Cycled around the hermaphroditic stasis of Calliope Stephanides (a rival narrator to Salinger’s Caulfied), the novel reveals in epic detail the trials and tribulations being born from a lineage of fucked up Greek’s who married within the family lineage. And then moved to Detroit.

The natural wonder of the world amuses me. For example, did you laugh of cry when Whitney Houston died? Drunk, playing a drinking game called “Landmine” and losing horribly at it, ESPN “broke” the news to me.

“Hey, Whitney Houston’s dead,” said a friend of mine, holding one of those blue bottles of Bud Light.

“SHIT!” We all turned our heads to our buddy, imagining that this was the moment that he finally came out of his normally homophobic shell. I thought he was staring intently at the screen, reading the lips of the un-ironic “sports”caster (ESPN has the power to make up names, just like news) who rambled inaudibly over some Tyga, but in all actuality he was reading the bottom feed on the screen. “Linsanity threw up 36 last night? What a pig!”

Now, in the real world, where new artist really are new, where the Darwinian order still makes (some) sense, we have Shakira (I know, right?) being “attacked” by a Sea Lion in South Africa. An account detailed nicely by my favorite news source, People, supposedly Shakira wasn’t torn to shreds (like how we imagined her music actually being represented seven yeas ago!!!).

Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and [her stupid brother Tony] suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape. Sea lions have interacted well with humans throughout history, and attacks are rare and usually tied to territorial aggression. (People, “Shakira Attacked by Sea Lion in South Africa)

I interviewed the now-infamous S. African Sea Lion via text, and when asked why he couldn’t have just ate her all up, he responded: “Jezus, i wish i wood of, y’no.”

Someday the beasts will win.

-AG

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