Archive | Flop Culture RSS feed for this archive

[Flop Culture] Charli XCX — “I’ll Never Know” mp3

February 20, 2012

0 Comments

Hi. I'm 19, and LOVING IT

This may be the best/worst thing I’ve heard in a while. With a title such as Charli XCX, I’m not quite sure if you can go uphill or downhill from the get-go. And then I go to her website and then I realize I’m at rock bottom, but, and to quote one of the greatest business men in the 21st century, Jack Donaghy, you can always go below rock bottom: into the crevasse.

Apparently she’s some sort of goth underground pop chick from Britain, but from the sounds of “I’ll Never Know” she makes Avril Lavigne look like a murderous Norwegian black metal band. With a tropical jingle that reminds me of a bad alarm on the first cell-phone I ever had and a synthetic drum loop, I’m not even quite sure if I can surmise to question what the lyrics are. Because When I think of you my fingers are quicksand / I want to hold you close / I’ll never know. Had to share those.

Charli XCX — “I’ll Never Know” mp3:
(God, I’m really taking myself down some avenues I never would’ve thought I’d take)

Here’s the official music video for Charli XCX’s “Nuclear Seasons,” where the psychedelic illusion of editing skills ends up being an epileptic mess, and there’s one instance where it sounds exactly like No Doubt’s “It’s My Life.”

I’m not quite sure what to say. I think I might’ve indulged myself too much on this, sort of like that bender of Britney* Spears I did over the summer [shakes head uncontrollably and passes out]. Oh man, Katy Perry just came on TheCoolTV (one of the four channels I have), I’m gonna go throw myself into a murderous pit of acidic larvae.

-AG

[UPDATE: Originally spelled it Brittany Spears because I live in the real world and don’t give a shit]

Continue reading...

[Flop Culture] Linsane in the Membrane

February 19, 2012

0 Comments

Linsanity Linguistics 101: dish the ball

Being a retired 8th grade basketball star, I have the right to make an opinion about the New York Knicks point guard and NBA wet dream, Jeremy Lin. Because I was one of the best point guards to ever play the game (my average: 4 points, 6 assists, 2 rebounds, five witty jokes on the bench), I notice one of the most definitive aspects of Lin’s rise to greatness: common sense. Unlike most ball handlers in the NBA, the former Harvard point guard has the smarts to realize what to do, and, most importantly, what not to do.

In this premature case of tabloid/ESPN madness (what’s the difference), Lin seems to understand already that to force penetration into the lane, making the defense crash onto him, and to dish out to the higher percentage shot. Against the Dallas Mavericks on Sunday, Dirk Nowitzki, Shawn Marion, and Vince Carter were stunned by Lin’s dishes from the lane to Steve Novak (who?). Novak, with only 21 minutes  scored 14 on 5-7 field goals and 4-5 threes, most from Lin in the lane to the corner where Novak  posted up the whole second half.

Lin had 28 pts Sunday against the reining NBA champs, 14 assists, and 5 steals. Instead of turning the ball over (all right, all right, he had 7 but in 45 minutes – i mean, he is the offense, it’s gonna happen), like his first nine or so games in the league, Lin can compete with the best of the rest. Okay, okay, I’m not saying he’s Chris Paul or Derrick Rose, but who is?

All I know is that someone from Harvard is beating the hell out of guys who make a lot more money per dribble than he does, and he’s making them look like fools. #OccupyMadisonSquareGarden is on, the 99%: Lin, the 1%: the rest of the NBA.

The Knicks defeated the Mavs 104 to 97. Here’s the box score.

-AG

Continue reading...

[Flop Culture] Justin Timberlake impersonates Bon Iver on SNL

February 19, 2012

0 Comments

Along with Prince, LL Cool J, Nicki Minaj, and Taylor Swift, Bon Iver visited Jay Z and Beyonce to congratulate the mogul’s new born, Blue Ivy (why do celebrities feel the need to name their babies something stupid, as if they won’t be written about if the name was simple Maureen, or Claude, or, well, who gives a shit anyways). Take a listen to his lullaby over at NBC.
-AG

Continue reading...

Sea Lion, Shakira Not Hurt Worse [Flop Culture]

February 14, 2012

0 Comments

Shakira “attacked” by Sea Lion, still, unlike Whitney Houston, not dead.

The world does some crazy things. I’m reading Jeffrey Eegenides’ novel Middlesex (Picador) right now, a triumphant behemoth of contemporary literary genius. Cycled around the hermaphroditic stasis of Calliope Stephanides (a rival narrator to Salinger’s Caulfied), the novel reveals in epic detail the trials and tribulations being born from a lineage of fucked up Greek’s who married within the family lineage. And then moved to Detroit.

The natural wonder of the world amuses me. For example, did you laugh of cry when Whitney Houston died? Drunk, playing a drinking game called “Landmine” and losing horribly at it, ESPN “broke” the news to me.

“Hey, Whitney Houston’s dead,” said a friend of mine, holding one of those blue bottles of Bud Light.

“SHIT!” We all turned our heads to our buddy, imagining that this was the moment that he finally came out of his normally homophobic shell. I thought he was staring intently at the screen, reading the lips of the un-ironic “sports”caster (ESPN has the power to make up names, just like news) who rambled inaudibly over some Tyga, but in all actuality he was reading the bottom feed on the screen. “Linsanity threw up 36 last night? What a pig!”

Now, in the real world, where new artist really are new, where the Darwinian order still makes (some) sense, we have Shakira (I know, right?) being “attacked” by a Sea Lion in South Africa. An account detailed nicely by my favorite news source, People, supposedly Shakira wasn’t torn to shreds (like how we imagined her music actually being represented seven yeas ago!!!).

Shakira believes the sea lion was confused by the shiny reflection of the Blackberry she used to take pictures. “It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it,” she said, adding that she and [her stupid brother Tony] suffered minor scratches on nearby rocks as they tried to escape. Sea lions have interacted well with humans throughout history, and attacks are rare and usually tied to territorial aggression. (People, “Shakira Attacked by Sea Lion in South Africa)

I interviewed the now-infamous S. African Sea Lion via text, and when asked why he couldn’t have just ate her all up, he responded: “Jezus, i wish i wood of, y’no.”

Someday the beasts will win.

-AG

Continue reading...